The world’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his hole this morning and saw a shadow of his former self, guaranteeing at least six more weeks of gloomy introspection and stinging regret.
Phil, the perennial rodent beloved the world over for his uncanny ability to predict winter weather patterns stretching into spring, was confronted with the sudden realization of his wasted youth, and recoiled at the tragic toll exacted on his body and mind by a lifetime of mindless distractions and lethargy. Officials, acknowledging their mascot’s abrupt, glassy-eyed renunciation of all former hopes and dreams, immediately declared an extended season of mentally rehashing decades of botched pursuits.
According to legend, if a groundhog sees a shadow of his former self on February 2, the country can expect a continuation of bleak admissions of missed opportunities and squandered potential. If a groundhog does not see a shadow of his former self, the country may enjoy a brief postponing of the inevitable, listless slog into the void of a now-meaningless future.
The furry forecaster then indicated to his handlers to please just hold him a while longer, and to go fetch him another Paxil before slumping back to bed.