3rd Chair Trombone

Open your mind...(TS)

...to this short, stupid but wonderful clip. They don't know how to end it, but that's okay. Special thanks to Stevie, who's recent post on his site allowed me to find this.

Let us all say a prayer for Red Jetta. (TS)

I had to donate that bitch to charity.

That's really something. (TS)

A clip you can believe in...

A nice teaser...

And did someone say, "Video Games?"

Busted. (TS)

Last week, rapper DMX was arrested for speeding and reckless driving in Arizona after speed-enforcement cameras captured him in his bright yellow 1966 Chevrolet going 114 mph on a suburban Phoenix freeway.
I'd like to hear from the Trombone on this...I would.

John Edward Endorses Barack Obama (TS)

By J. Gary Waldino
May 14, 2008
At a rally in Grand Rapids, Mich., on Wednesday evening, international psychic medium John Edward endorsed Barack Obama, who was on the stage with him, to be the Democratic nominee for president.

Sounding a theme of a nation divided into parts by walls, Mr. Edward said, “The reason I am here tonight is that Democratic voters in America have made their choice and so have I.”

Mr. Edward then went on to say, “There is one man who knows in his heart that it is time to tear down that wall and make one America, Barack Obama.”

Mr. Obama, who had introduced Mr. Edward as “one of the great mentalists of our generation, ” responded by saying he was grateful to him for coming to Michigan and giving his endorsement, as well as reuniting him with his deceased Aunt Betta.

Mr. Obama also noted how Mr. Edward had emphasized health care as an issue that is of primary concern, then said it would be a major issue in his administration.

The endorsement comes at a time when the appeal of Mr. Obama appears to be lagging among daytime TV watchers, a group to which Mr. Edward openly appealed.

Story developing...

File under: "we're better than this, but what choice do we have?" (TS)

I know this comes at the tail end of a now fading wave of Internet iconery, but I don't care. That puppet's got something, I tell you.

I think we have it. (TS)

The Omniscient Tattler for May 2, 2008 (TS)

Here’s what you’re thinking today in the Downtown Municipal Courthouse in Los Angeles, CA...

"This looks like it’s gonna be a long, long trial. Think, Gerald! What can you say that will get you kicked off this case?"
--Gerald Fitzsimmons, Defense Attorney





"If the defense over-annunciates one more time after I ask her to speak up, I'm going to hand her ass to her in a box lunch."
--Gideon Lomley, Court Reporter


"I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the hilarious truth, so help me Jackie Mason! God, I hope this comedian lawyer thing works out!"
--Chuck Wells, District Attorney



"The justice system today fails so many of our disadvantaged citizens, from African Americans and Latinos to the poor and mentally unfit. Also, I think I'm getting my period."
--Dee Parks, Juror #9




"The average person does not assume that the judge trying their case is, in fact, indulging in self gratification under his robes. Just just keep your cool, Edgar. And keep stroking. Keep stroking with every ounce of your being."
--The Honorable Edgar Jaysell



"These Certs don’t seem to have much Retsin in them. Then again, I could be sentenced to death in the next twenty minutes, so I really shouldn't complain."
--Warren DeVries, Defendant

"I shouldn’t have eaten that second gyro for lunch. The third, though, that was a work of art, and I stand by that decision."
--Ranjeer Punjab, Alternate Juror





"Maybe I should have worn deodorant today. But then again, they’re running the air conditioner here. Whoowa, how long till a g-d recess already?"
--The Honorable David Anstek

"I object! To a fucking lack of Horsey Sauce at lunch, to the dickface who keyed my car in the Best Buy lot yesterday, to the Armenian wedding in Alhambra Nancy's dragging me to this weekend, to last night's viewer mail segment on O'Reilly, and to the guy who took a shit in the fifth floor Men's Room this morning."
-- Doug Kerry, Public Defender

Here’s what you’re thinking today in the Downtown Municipal Courthouse in Los Angeles, CA...

"This looks like it’s gonna be a long, long trial. Think, Gerald! What can you say that will get you kicked off this case?"
--Gerald Fitzsimmons, Defense Attorney





"If the defense over-annunciates one more time after I ask her to speak up, I'm going to hand her ass to her in a box lunch."
--Gideon Lomley, Court Reporter


"I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the hilarious truth, so help me Jackie Mason! God, I hope this comedian lawyer thing works out!"
--Chuck Wells, District Attorney



"The justice system today fails so many of our disadvantaged citizens, from African Americans and Latinos to the poor and mentally unfit. Also, I think I'm getting my period."
--Dee Parks, Juror #9




"The average person does not assume that the judge trying their case is, in fact, indulging in self gratification under his robes. Just just keep your cool, Edgar. And keep stroking. Keep stroking with every ounce of your being."
--The Honorable Edgar Jaysell



"These Certs don’t seem to have much Retsin in them. Then again, I could be sentenced to death in the next twenty minutes, so I really shouldn't complain."
--Warren DeVries, Defendant

"I shouldn’t have eaten that second gyro for lunch. The third, though, that was a work of art, and I stand by that decision."
--Ranjeer Punjab, Alternate Juror





"Maybe I should have worn deodorant today. But then again, they’re running the air conditioner here. Whoowa, how long till a g-d recess already?"
--The Honorable David Anstek

"I object! To a fucking lack of Horsey Sauce at lunch, to the dickface who keyed my car in the Best Buy lot yesterday, to the Armenian wedding in Alhambra Nancy's dragging me to this weekend, to last night's viewer mail segment on O'Reilly, and to the guy who took a shit in the fifth floor Men's Room this morning."
-- Doug Kerry, Public Defender

Day four of our look back at memorable pieces from the 3rd Chair vault. This one comes to us from the late summer of '05, when a young (BH) was finding his voice on the blog. To date, he had put in a number of solid short form pieces, lists and real-life journal-style numbers, but had yet to really make today's entry his own.

You're invited to sit back, relax, and watch some good, old fashioned American blasphemy:
Things Paul Is Now Glad He Edited From His Letter To The Ephesians (BH)

We're up to our third installment of a look back at some of the posts you may have simply forgotten about, or rather never seen.

This piece, by yours truly, was inspired by years of experience writing for the healthcare industry while demonstrating a clear lack of in-depth understanding of the healthcare industry. It was subsequently submitted to McSweeneys, which in turn let the author know that it was a "promising conceit" but felt "underdeveloped to [them]," and to consider exploring "contemporary health care issues, i.e., co-pay, referrals, emergent v. emergency care" among other things.

The author then proceeded instead to indulge in an exclusive three-week marathon of crazy caption posts, setting a national blog record and winning the attention of automatic robots across the web.

Here now, once again is Welcome to United Confederate Health Plan (TS)

Day two of our look back at some of the forgotten classics from 3CT. Today's entry was actually created pre-3rd Chair in something we liked to call "Goodness Writers Group." This piece was a foreshadowing of the great BH's talent for creating pitch perfect recreations of virtually any genre. But I digress.

Here, for your reading pleasure is Let Go and Let Travis (BH)

While the creators of 3CT are away on vacation--or whatever it is they do with their days--you're invited to share in an ongoing look back at some of the forgotten classics first appearing at this site.

We begin with a piece written back in late June of 2005. The site was still getting its legs underneath itself, and writer JD seemingly set the standard for future works when he penned the following.

Please now enjoy
Skyr: Icelandic Yogurt / The 3rd Chair Trombone Interview (JD)

What's up? You're reading this and you're like, how am I reading invisible writing. Well don't worry. It's perfectly natural, when you have super powers. So sit back, kick up your loafers and indulge in your ability to read things other people can't.

Okay, so the newness has worn off, and you need to up the stakes. I can't blame you. After about three weeks with the ability to read invisible writing, I needed a pick me up. So I learned how to fly, and self-ignite, and press 100 tons. Sort of like the Hulk crossed with the Human Torch. It was an iffy proposition. Later, fools. I'm off to set some real heavy shit on fire, then lift it over my head. Then I'm flying to the Bahamas. Oh yeah.

3rd Chair Trombone: A Retrospective (Part Four) (TS)

Day four of our look back at memorable pieces from the 3rd Chair vault. This one comes to us from the late summer of '05, when a young (BH) was finding his voice on the blog. To date, he had put in a number of solid short form pieces, lists and real-life journal-style numbers, but had yet to really make today's entry his own.

You're invited to sit back, relax, and watch some good, old fashioned American blasphemy:
Things Paul Is Now Glad He Edited From His Letter To The Ephesians (BH)

3rd Chair Trombone: A Retrospective (Part Three) (TS)

We're up to our third installment of a look back at some of the posts you may have simply forgotten about, or rather never seen.

This piece, by yours truly, was inspired by years of experience writing for the healthcare industry while demonstrating a clear lack of in-depth understanding of the healthcare industry. It was subsequently submitted to McSweeneys, which in turn let the author know that it was a "promising conceit" but felt "underdeveloped to [them]," and to consider exploring "contemporary health care issues, i.e., co-pay, referrals, emergent v. emergency care" among other things.

The author then proceeded instead to indulge in an exclusive three-week marathon of crazy caption posts, setting a national blog record and winning the attention of automatic robots across the web.

Here now, once again is Welcome to United Confederate Health Plan (TS)

3rd Chair Trombone: A Retrospective (Part Two) (TS)

Day two of our look back at some of the forgotten classics from 3CT. Today's entry was actually created pre-3rd Chair in something we liked to call "Goodness Writers Group." This piece was a foreshadowing of the great BH's talent for creating pitch perfect recreations of virtually any genre. But I digress.

Here, for your reading pleasure is Let Go and Let Travis (BH)

3rd Chair Trombone: A Retrospective (Part One) (TS)

While the creators of 3CT are away on vacation--or whatever it is they do with their days--you're invited to share in an ongoing look back at some of the forgotten classics first appearing at this site.

We begin with a piece written back in late June of 2005. The site was still getting its legs underneath itself, and writer JD seemingly set the standard for future works when he penned the following.

Please now enjoy
Skyr: Icelandic Yogurt / The 3rd Chair Trombone Interview (JD)

Friday is for getting off our asses and writing some new material. (TS)

What's up? You're reading this and you're like, how am I reading invisible writing. Well don't worry. It's perfectly natural, when you have super powers. So sit back, kick up your loafers and indulge in your ability to read things other people can't.

Okay, so the newness has worn off, and you need to up the stakes. I can't blame you. After about three weeks with the ability to read invisible writing, I needed a pick me up. So I learned how to fly, and self-ignite, and press 100 tons. Sort of like the Hulk crossed with the Human Torch. It was an iffy proposition. Later, fools. I'm off to set some real heavy shit on fire, then lift it over my head. Then I'm flying to the Bahamas. Oh yeah.

Thursday is for bein' in outer space. (TS)